yourbirthchart,
roasted.
real astrology. real placements. zero mercy.
free · takes 1 minute · for entertainment only
you don't ignore people, you're just running 14 conversations at once and forgot which one you promised to answer.
you're 'not checking his story' while knowing exactly who viewed yours, and in what order.
you've rewritten a two-word text four times and it still says 'sounds good'.
the roast wheel
twelve signs. ten planets. zero chill.
your chart is a map of where every planet was the second you arrived. we read all of it, then we read you.
your voice notes have chapters.
how it works
three steps to being called out.
- 01
enter your birth info
date, time if you know it, and the city you were born in. one minute, tops.
- 02
we calculate your real chart
actual planet positions for your exact moment and place. sun, moon, rising and everything in between.
- 03
get roasted
every joke is tied to a real placement. affectionate, specific, a little rude. screenshot-ready.
pick your sign
go on. tap yours.
a free sample, just from your sun sign.
you've read it. you've screenshotted it. you'll reply on your own terms, thank you.
that's just your sun. your real chart has ten planets.
the full roast
eight more ways to feel seen.
$4.99
one-time · no subscription · no account
your texting style
reply speed, read-receipt politics and your 2am essays.
how you are in love & dating
how you flirt, how you fall and how you overthink it.
your red flags
the stuff your friends are too nice to say out loud.
you as a friend
your role in the group chat, explained.
you at work & school
deadlines, desk energy and your relationship with email.
your toxic trait in one sentence
one sentence. it will hurt a little.
which signs can handle you
which signs can keep up with you, for fun.
your green flags
the genuinely lovely parts. we end on a warm note.
you see your free roast first. unlock the rest only if you want it.
faq
questions, answered politely.
is this real astrology?
the chart is. we calculate where the sun, moon and planets actually were at your birth time and place, using real astronomical data, the same kind of maths astrology sites use. the roast on top is comedy written by AI from those placements. it's for entertainment and self-reflection, not facts about you.
do I need my birth time?
no. without it you still get your sun, moon and all the planets. your rising sign and houses need the exact time, so we skip those. if your moon changed signs that day, we'll tell you.
is it mean?
no. it's a best-friend roast: specific, a little savage, obviously affectionate. we only roast habits and quirks, like texting, dating and procrastinating. never appearance, health, identity or anything you can't change. and it ends on your green flags.
what do I get if I pay?
the full roast: eight more sections (texting style, love and dating, red flags, green flags, you as a friend, you at work or school, your toxic trait in one sentence, and which signs can handle you), each tied to your real placements. $4.99 once. no subscription, no account. it stays at your link.
can I get a refund?
yes, within 7 days if your report failed to generate or is broken. email us with your report link and we'll fix it or refund you. not liking your roast doesn't count. it's a roast.